Journal of a Dying Psychopath:

Should I feel bad for someone who wronged me, but then got hurt later on? Should I still feel bad about this, because some jack ass kicked them while they were down? Or should I think they deserve it? And if I do still care, should I do something about it? Or just let it slide? And in the end, we might have still been friend, and I might still have been there for them when this happened, or stopped it from happening, had other's not gotten involved?

Well the world may never know. Or will it?

It's every time, over and over again. I don't ask for a lot, I don't ask often, and it takes forever of asking to get anything. It's something I enjoy and really love, but it's never enought. Every time I get there, almost touching it, it get's taken away. One thing, and it get's used to fix his fuck ups. Every single time. He get's bailed out and I get nothing, and if it even sort of works out, all I get is guilt and grief from it. In the end it might be selfish, but it's not fair. Every time.

I apologizes.
And that is really all I have to say.

You know I use to think i new things about the people around me, but with everyday I feel I know know nothing about them at all. We all work good together or so I thought , but all I hear are the sounds of their fighting, the sounds of coming violence, and I think about all the people who bring this up everywhere, but I really don't. why is this? What do I really know about all of this? All I hear any more is the fighting, and selfishly think; at least it's not me... But Do I really deserve the escape of my own pain, substituted with another's? What makes me safe? Why should I be? Should I protect them? Any of them? Or am I a coward, only here for myself? And What makes us any different than anyone else? What spares us the pain and not them? Should I post ever little woe like anyone else? Would It really change anything?

I do wonder if anyone sees this ever?...

Looking back, could anyone see forgiveness? If you could have, really could have changed something would you? If it meant getting something back, but losing all you have gained in the time? Imaging all that could have happened? Might have have happened? But losing all you have gained in that time, something that couldn't have happened without this? Things that make you, you? Things that may have made you a better person? Looking back now, would things have really changed had we just made up? Would this have happened again? Probably... Know now what I did not know then, I can forgive, I can let go, and I have changed enough to forgive without asking forgiveness. But would this have happened without the lack of forgiveness in the first place?

Einsam gibt es keinen anderen Weg, es zu stellen, aber ich bin.
Ich will gerade, dass etwas, jemand hält und hat, zu lieben.
Aber Angst hält mich zurück.
Davon, sie zu finden.
Halten von ihnen.
Das Halten von ihnen.

You know what the sad thing is I care, sadly enough I do.
It doesn't matter how much I"ve done for them, they don't care that every time I was having a problem, they didn't care, but as soon as they needed something I dropped everything, and if I didn't it made me a bad person.
Sl why should I care?
I shouldn't....
But you know what I do,
In the past it wasn't so much a big deal, but to be betrayed in the long run after everything for someone else, someone who doesn't give a shit about anything other than themselves and their own selfish goals, for that to happen, not only don't they care, they've gone the other direction, and it could matter less everything I've done, it's all my fault.

All the would have, should have, could haves?
Are they worth it?
Could they be?
Should you take the chance?
Is it worth it?
Is there guilt?
Pain?
Questions left un answered?
Should you ask or act first?

What if there's more to that lie than you knew?
What if all they've ever done was hurt you and you never knew it?
What is everything thing you said was used to hurt you?
Everything they said?
what if it was all twisted?
is it worth it?
is it really?
Could it be?
Should it be?

What should be done?

It's not worth it if everything's been a lie.
Why should it be?
If anything said or done didn't really matter.
Why apologies for the truth, why think you're wrong, all for one ungrateful person.
Why change?
Why should you even have to, are they really worth it if that's all they ever wanted?
Is anything?
Is anyone?
Why should you be miserable to make them happy?

Should you give?
Should they?
Are you right?
Are they?

A compromise?
Or should you do it because you care?
Is it your weakness?
Something for them to exploit?

Is anyone worth it?
The vulnerability?
Are they too?
Maybe?

Only Time will tell.

so your listening to some one bitch and whine, and yet they want you to care, yet they couldn't care less what you think.
I have it just as hard if not harder, on top of no one to talk to about it, it's hard and they don't care so why should i.
It's complete bull shit, everything just piling up.
Leaving, school, people bitching, money, life, love, family, a job, people living and dieing, but hey it's my problem, why should any one else care...
They don't so why should I.
And they look like an idiot.
Assholes...
On top of it all, your getting yelled at from every direction...

This whole thing is total bullshit and emoness.

So more to it now!

All the same as the last...
emo emo emo

Anyways....
Bs, whine, la la la ...
I blame everyone else.
Which is wrong, it's all my fault...
yeah mine...
emo emo emo.

They seem to think I don't know, like any of this.
I understand how much it is, but I would love to have five seconds with out it being lorded over my head if that wouldn't be to hard... seriously. I get it, now just shut up about it.
I'm sorry already that I can't do anything about it.
My bad.
I'm sorry for wanting things.
I'm sorry for everything...
You care one moment, and then the next... nothing.
Nothing at all.
So why should it ever matter.
In the long run it's always me.
My fault, my wants, my need...
Who cares...
No one.
It just doesn't matter anyways.

So well no one really cares for anyone else in this world do they, so one comes over, tells ya, and couldn't care less about ones feelings, not even bothering to ask, just goes about their way with ones own things...
Pisses me off.
seriously, where do these people come from.
people don't see the real reasons they do things,
really, they copy me, and then when I do it they have the audacity to tell me I'm copying them.
so F%&^K off to you anyways.
seriously, just to prove that deep down you may actually have self worth somewhere..
you don't... at all...
it just angers me... alot.
good thing this is a journal.
and no ones gonna read it...
just whatever...
doesn't matter what I think anyways in the long run...

So I take it none of my friends are ever talking to me again, like ever. thus the reasons for this pointless rant... and the need to go on twitter... well anyways, personally I don't think I was all that wrong, but hey as long as everyone else is happy, since you know that's all that really matters anyways, one's own selfish goals. and in a day or so, they will have forgotten all about all of this, other than to bitch about it. since you know what I want matters nothing at all, ever, it's all everyone else... I don't even exist, does anyone actually know me? in any way, shape, or form... all this yeah, we'll be together forever... yeah it's been a week and it's like I never existed... since I really don't... now what to do... just give up on live over all and give one big F you to everyone... but it's not like this even get's read...

This is a walk though of my mind...

A dark empty land, moving past into a painting of a starry night sky, into a wall, more and more walls of everything, from brick to steal, mortar to sugary dreams, keeping everything out before passing the veil into the open maze of the inner world. This maze leading into the sanctum, lands and hill, homes, each holding different pieces of the puzzle, but one stands out, the most sound and filled, the inner holding of all that is me, with every memory and idea, thought and impulse held in the books lining the halls of the library, each piece needed for the collection to be complete, every area organizing the life of the past and future of one person, every book a memory, a dream, a piece of me, my life, my ideas, all that I am inside and out, all of it so easily destroyed...

So, I'm pretty sure no one will read this, like ever, but I felt like rambling on and on and on... just to type something real and try and get rid of this writers block, since that is really what these things are for, just to get words out there, so we don't explode with writing back up, which i must say is quite painful... and you know i really do not feel like capitalizing my i's so i will not... any ways lets see everyone must have lost it all, we really have, nothing what it once was and never will be again, life's moving so fast, right past all of us, and their is no one to rant to about this all.. it's like wow so close to the end already, everyone's ready but you and nothing seems to be right in anyway, it's just moving and moving, so fast, which i keep saying, it seems to be theme of all of this, and as i'm looking at this i do wonder how much i will write, not to mention wondering if this will really ever be read, but wow it feels good to get rid of some of these excess words, i'd really like to work on a role play but hey i have no time i should be doing other things right now and i'm not, people are soo odd, no one ever had what they want and what they want they can never have, life's just one big crazy place full of moments we never realized how much we wanted until they are to far to get to, all those little thoughts getting to you, just wanting to be let out to see the light of day and everything around us, just moving on and moving up, life going on and on, all those deep thoughts and mental pictures being stored for another day, never to come, ever again, that mental mind map no one get or even uses.... is it really all worth it, what do we really want from life, hat can we take from the world around us now, what can we do to be the best we can be, what are we doing, why are we doing it, how are we doing it, what does it all mean, how much can one person really do, does it mean anything? what are you to me, how do you really know, how do i, all the questions and no answers, is it really a question, all the pain, love, suffering, why do we do the things we do, why does anyone, who are we really, how much is a life worth, how long will we live, how fast is life really passing us by, how much is gone, what do words really mean, all of it un answered... who are we? I just keep going and going, nothing ever going to change, life just moving on and on, no one really awake to the world around them, what is really happening, why is it important...

Chapter 3

[[Not quite sure where this is going... One of two choices...))

Scorpius, Rose, Timmy, and Riel headed off to their classes for the day. Timmy and Riel to Transfiguration, and Scorpius and Rose to Potions. They headed into class, which was Slytherin and Gryffindor. The class was taught by none other than his own Grandfather, Lucius Malfoy. Surprisingly enough the elder Malfoy had very little problem getting a bit dirty. After the war and loss of his close friend Severus Snape he seemed to become a bit more human.

Scorpius looked around the classroom, seeing very few people, it was the first class after all, everyone was always late, what surprised him was the fact that Al wasn’t there yet, he was always one of the first, as the next minute pasted more of the 6th years filed in but still no Al, maybe Rose was right. Maybe he did have a secret girlfriend. He felt something in the pit of his stomach but brushed it off seeing Al walk in. The feeling returned when he saw who walked n with him, a blond Gryffindor girl. She was talking to him, laying her hand on Al.

Rose noticed Scorpius staring over at Al, “Hey what ya staring at?” She asked, not noticing anything stare worthy.

Hearing Rose caused him to jump a little, looking over at her, “Nothing,” he said looking at his book. Rose just cast one more look over at Al and went back to glazing over at a black haired Slytherin she had a crush on.

Scorpius made sure Rose wasn’t watching him and looked back over at Al. Now the girl was leaning towards him giving the Gryffindor a good look down her white school blouse unbuttoned much more than proper. Al didn’t seem to be paying attention to that, just nodding confused at what she was talking about.

-

Al nodded at what Ally Flinc was saying. He was confused as to why she would want his help in potions. She never seemed to have trouble in the past.

“Umm sure,” he said sitting down, nodding at her. He looked over at his book opening it up. She still stood there.

“Anything else?” he asked confused as to why she still stood there. She huffed and walked away.

“Okkk then,” he mumbled looking over yesterday’s homework.

Lucius Malfoy walked in. He didn’t speak till he was in front of them all and had everyone undying attention. He got his flare for dramatics from Severus and his natural Slytherin-ness.

“Today,” he said pausing; “You will all get new partners.” he stopped to watch the reaction.

“No whining, as I will choose,” he pulled a scroll from his robes getting some groans from his class. He started calling off names and placing students in their seats. He came to Scorpius Malfoy, “And next to you Albus Potter.”

They moved as he continued on with the list, placing Rose next to the Black haired Slytherin.

Al looked over at Scorpius. He didn’t really know much about the blond boy, other than he was related to Professor Malfoy and Rose’s best friend. Well that and a Slytherin. He studied the other boy. A pointed yet elegant chin, full pink lips, small but not to small nose, and the brightest silver blue eyes moving in to pulled back white blond hair. From what he heard he looked just like his father, and you could see the resemblance to his grandfather, with the exception of the gray streaks going though the elder Malfoy’s hair.

-

As if Scorpius could feel the eyes on him, he turned towards Al. The smaller boy looked away quickly, a light pink blush crossing his cheeks.

He smirked turning back to his own revising.

-

Al gave a mental groan. ‘Now he must think I’m nuts or something,’ he thought the heat leavening his cheeks slowly. He slowly looked back over at the blond. He was working on his essay. He seemed so un-approachable.

Al tapped the blond on the arm.

-

Scorpius was startled feeling someone touching his arm. He looked at the arm, moving up to the face. Al looked over at him attached to the arm.

-

“Umm,” Al mumbled, “Could I brow a quill? I seem to have lost mine.” he blushed slightly trying not to stare.

Scorpius reached past Al and pulled a quill stuck in the back of his hair handing it to him.

“Found it,” he said with a smile running it across the side of Al’s neck lightly bring a brush to the others face, before placing it in his hand. He had never reacted to the other this way before. He never really spoke to him but talked to Rose with Scorpius around with no problem or staring.

He gripped the feather as Scorpio’s fingers ran across his before the other went back to his work.

-

Scorpius turned his head away blushing at his own bold move. He rubbed his hand across his cheek before returning to his work.

-

Al quickly glanced at Scorpius thinking, ‘One last time and I’ll get back to my work.’ And he would have had he not seen the blue line of ink crossing the other boys nose and cheek. He smiled at this thinking the line made the other seem less proper. Not that he always was, but he always held himself proud, calm, and he never seemed to slouch.

Al leaned over running his finger over the blue mark.

-

Scorpius felt a light hand moving across his cheek; he leaned towards it, looking over at Al. The other boy had a light blush across his face, as he moved his hand across Scorpius’s cheek.

“Yo-ou ahh had some ink on you-or cheek,” he mumbled moving his hand away slowly.

The blond moved his hand over the other’s bringing it to his lips and kissing it softly.

-

Al blushed as Scorpius kissed the top of his hand. Neither had realized that by now the whole class was watching them.

And they wouldn’t since at that moment something happened gathering everyone’s attention to the caldron on Professor Malfoy’s desk as it bubbled over and exploded. Most of the class was at the bigger tables near the back so the potion didn’t reach them. Everyone but Scorpius and Al that is, who had been seated at the front of the room.

When the smoke cleared they were gone.

[[Read and Review! Also all spelling mistakes are mine and sorry...

Also going back into past?

Or time loop?

Give my your thoughts on this...

Or something else all together...))

Chapter 2

[[Was going to make this long... but sadly was being kicked off computer, adn liked what was done so far, so this is what you have. Hope you enjoy, and reveiw, cuz if you don't I won't know you hate it... duh.))

He showered and got dressed for the day in his Slytherin robes and head to breakfast after fixing is hair in the mirror.

He first noticed something odd when he entered the Great Hall and James Potter started to laugh, then the Gryffindork table was staring at him. He looked around and at himself to see what was funny. He didn’t notice anything and figured it was normal Gryffindor weirdness.

Al Potter looked up when his brother started laughing and saw Scorpius Malfoy just inside the doors of the Great Hall with bright red and gold hair. He let out a small giggle and when back to reading.

Scorpius sat in his normal spot at the end of the table next to Rose, Timmy Nott, and Gabriel Zabini. Timmy and Riel gave him blank looks, but he could tell they were holding back a laugh.

“What?” He asked glaring at them, wondering what they were up to. The two 4th years were known for the mischief around the castle all the time.

“Oh nothing at all mate,” Riel said with a very Slytherin smirk. Scorpius just shook his head wondering what the two were up to as a light hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Alice Longbottom, a 3rd year Gryffindor, standing at his back.

“Something wrong?” he asked her. He didn’t know her extremely well but they had been partnered together on a student project before.

“Did you know your hair was bright red and gold?” She asked politely. He gave her a funny look before he noticed his refection in her glasses. She was indeed right.

“Thank you Alice,” he said tightly before turning to Rose.

“Why you little brat,” he snapped at her, before pulling his wand and pointing it at her, whispering a spell.

“What did you do,” she asked through narrowed eyes.

“Oh nothing,” he said un-spelling his hair, “just helping you.” He smiled evilly at her. Riel and Timmy burst to laughing drawing attention from the other tables.

Rose was wondering what he had done, when she looked down at her hands and saw then green and her hair an even brighter red. Next thing she knew the red hair turned into petals.

“A rose for you my dear,” he said, smirking. At this she preceded to whack him repeatedly over the head.

“Hey watch the hair,” he said.

“Oh I’ll watch it alright,” she snapped as it turned into bright red lollypops. This drew even more attention from other tables.

“I would not want to cross her,” James said watching the fight between the two Slytherins.

Hugo nodded, “she sure is evil, poor Scorpius,” he said wincing as the blond Slytherin was hit with a famous bat boogie hex passed down from their Aunt Ginny.

Al looked up at that comment, seeing Scorpius batting at bats attacking his head, he smiled lightly, Rosie was always good at that hex.

“Think someone should save him?” Lily asked, leaning towards Al. He nodded heading over. The teacher watched coving giggles, as this was an everyday issues.

“You going to let up Rosie?” Al asked ducking a stray curse meant for Scorpius.

“Let me think about that… No,” she snapped as Scorpius disarmed her. She glared at him, giving a small bow of defeat.

“Evil,” she said plopping down as they un-spelled each other; “So how are you?” she nodded at Al, as he leaned against the end of the table.

“Dandy, so what brought about this mess this fine morning,” he asked stealing a piece of toast from Rosie’s hand. She glared.

“He just doesn’t seem to comprehend the morning part of the day, and the whole get up thing is very confusing it seems,” Rose said grabbing Scorpius’s toast, the Slytherin in question letting out a cry as his breakfast was taken.

“Hey that’s mine,” he said poking her shoulder, she stuffed a different piece of toast in his mouth.

“Quit whinnying it not becoming,” she said as he pulled the toast out of his mouth and stuck his tongue out at her.

“For people difficult to get out of bed you seem full of energy,” Al said after a moment of watching them, ducking as a piece of fruit was thrown his way.

“Well don’t make a mess, class is in 20 minutes and I’m off to the library,” Al said grabbing his bag from the other table and saying good-bye to his siblings.

“He’s mental,” Scorpius said, “Who in their right mind could read this early in the morning.”

“True,” Rose agreed nodding, “Maybe he’s not going to library, maybe he has a secret girlfriend.”

Scorpius nodded brushing off the feelings that washed over him at that comment.

[[Review!... Do so now... You know that button is calling to you... It really is... Flaming is good too... Send me a smiley face even... I know people open this when I read that stats... So don't hide... or evil plot bunnies will eat you... You know it... Review! Maybe you'll get a cookie...))

[[And much love to gleefulgardengnome, quiero queso, and firey Fuu-chan. They did something atleast, not like all you slackers...))

Chapter One

Sorting Sep. 1, 2017-

Scorpius Malfoy walked in the great hall with the other first years. He didn’t want to admit it but he was scared of the big imposing place still. He had been here before to see his grandfather, who, he noted was at the head table with the other teachers. It wasn’t just the size of the place after all he lived in some very large manors after all. It was weather he’d be a Slytherin like his father or a Ravenclaw like his mum, or some thing else all together. His parents said they’d be ok with any house he ended up in but he really wanted to please them. He really wanted to live up to his family; all of his fathers side had ended up in Slytherin.

He looked up noticing all the first years stopped in front of the head table. ‘This is where well be sorted,’ he thought with a panic. He knew this but seeing it was nerve racking. He then looked more closely around at the students around his recognizing friends and distant relatives. Then one boy in particular who looked as nervous as himself. He had messy black hair a little on the longer side and wore glasses. When the other boy moved his head to the side he noted he had large bright green eyes.

He heard someone clear their throat, and drew everyone’s attention to the woman in front of the head table with a scroll. She stood next to a beat up old hat, the sorting hat, he’d seen pictures of it in ‘Hogwarts a History.’ His mother was a Ravenclaw after all. He turned his attention back to the woman; she had short pink hair, wearing bright blue robes. She smiles at the first years, before calling out the first names. When she got to where his was support to be she just headed to the next one skipping him. She finished and started to walk away.

“Oh sorry seems I missed one,” she said with a smile, as she called him up, and before that hat touched his head it called out “Gryffindor.” His jaw dropped.

- 2022 -

He woke up bumping his head on his bed in the process and falling out of it.

“Bloody hell,” he muttered sitting up on the floor rubbing his head.

“You have the dream again,” he heard from next to him, looking over and nodding at his best friend. Who proceeded to laugh at him.

“It’s not funny, I still don’t know why I keep having this dream,” he said glaring at his still laughing friend.

“Maybe you have unresolved issues with that house,” she said with a grin.

“Sure,” he said sarcastically, getting off the cold floor and slipping back under his warn covers as his friend retuned to lala land.

Scorpius still couldn’t figure out why he kept dreaming about being sorted, he was a 6th year already and a Slytherin at that. Or why he was so scared in the dream, he was a little worried went he was a first year but who won’t be but who knew. He just shook his head and feel back asleep.

-

Scorpius swatted at the hand that tried to wake him up, well it wasn’t trying any more, he was awake.

“It’s Friday go away,” he mumbled covering his head with his pillow.

“It’s time to get up pumpkin pie,” Said a way to happy and awake voice, way to early in the morning.

“Isn’t,” he mumbled trying to fall back asleep.

“Is tooooooo!” she said pouncing on him. He let out an ‘ommmp’ as she landed on him and started to pull his hair.

“Not my hair,” he whined.

“If you don’t get up now, I’ll just have to have a free for all with you on this lovely Friday,” she said evilly, showing just how she got in the house.

“No,” he said swatting at her hands and knocking her off of him.

“Well if you’d just get up on time we wouldn’t have this problem now would we princess,” she said smirking at him from her place on the floor.

“Keep it up Rosie and I’ll just have to let a certain someone know about a certain crush someone has on him,” he said getting out of bed and heading for the showers. He didn’t feel the spell hit him in the back.

[A short beginning to a longer (Hopefully, You all must Review and let me know) Story...

[Disclaimer- So not mine- This will now cover all the folloing (Hopefully) Chapters.

[Review!